Life, Love, And Healing After Divorce
- Sheridan Tennant-Straube
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
I work with a lot of divorced, divorcing or divorce contemplating individuals. It’s unfortunately an unavoidable reality in the therapy world. I’ve been in sessions where the husband tells the wife in front of me for the first time that he wants out and watched the screaming painful breakdown before my eyes with rings thrown and awful statements slung around the room. I’ve had shuddering partners in my office clinging on to my words of empowerment as they shed the skin of fear from an abusive spouse and prepare for court. I’ve watched husbands come in broken, accepting their wives have given their heart to another. I’ve counseled individuals in active affairs - deciding how to navigate their double lives. Yep- I’m only 15 years in my career and I feel like I’ve seen it all. Not to mention the angry, frustrated, confused and hurting kids in the middle of the battle.
Questions I get a lot from my clients and even Christian friends:
Is God mad at me for getting a divorce?
Am I unlovable? What’s wrong with me?
Can I remarry? And if so- Is there anyone worth marrying even out there? Can you really know you’re with the right person? (this especially from clients after having been truly duped by a Master con artist of an ex-spouse).
Let’s unpack these questions and go to the greatest source of truth- The Word.
Is God mad at me?
It is true that God hates divorce. Not the individuals involved but the painful separation process itself and all of the associated unbraidings and emotional damage. He is all about unity and oneness - divorce is the polar opposite of that. But as with all sins and things God calls wrong, there is forgiveness and grace when it becomes necessary. Here is a bit of what the Bible says about divorce and rationale for it (not an exhaustive list but enough for our purposes).
“Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”Matthew 19:3-9 NIV
*(and some version of this is in all 4 gospels)
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 NIV
“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” Malachi 2:16 NIV
What matters here is that you, first and foremost, have legitimate cause. Notice God gives an out for sexual immorality / adultery, not for “falling out of love” or that they don’t have the same body or they have an unexpected illness or no longer make the same money. It must be a complete betrayal of the marriage vow to elicit consent for divorce otherwise God sees leaving and marrying another as adultery. You had no just cause for the divorce. Now, although the Bible doesn’t explicitly say to leave a marriage where there is abuse, I believe in His sovereignty there is grace extended for such unbearable or unsafe circumstances. What you need to be sure of is: have you exhausted all other options? Have you sought counsel? Have you truly done all you can to live together in peace?
A marriage takes two people. If you are doing all of the heavy lifting - there’s only so far this train can go. If you’re being abused, especially if children are involved, safety is paramount. You must prioritize that and remove yourselves from harm however possible. There’s nothing in the Bible that says “stay for the children’s sake.” You risk more harm to their psyches communicating to them that when in an unbearable, unhealthy and worse unsafe situation - their job is to grin and bear it. That is not true. There’s wanting to teach commitment and resilience and there’s foolishness. There is healing and therapy for children of divorce - don’t ignore warning signs for the sake of the appearance of peace. Kids are way more discerning than you think.
To the spouses of addicts - whatever the addiction: Again- where there are kids involved and they’re witnessing unsafe behavior or in harms way due to their parents’ drinking /smoking/ sex addiction whatever- your responsibility is to them. Encourage your partner to get professional help and if they refuse, seek wise counsel yourself from church or another specialist in this area and consider at the very least a trial separation. Again- safety first. For the child free house - know that your own personal mental and emotional well being are still important. Only you know what you can withstand or what God may be speaking to you about the situation- but remain intentional about encouraging counsel or rehab- and if it is consistently refused and you are losing grip on your own well being because of what’s happening - you too should consider at least a trial separation.
In short - is God mad at you? Absolutely not. Does He love you any less? NEVER! Don’t hang your head in shame when you’ve done all you can and the marriage cannot last. But then, once you’ve made it to safety and solitude, take the time to learn from this experience and figure out how we got here- which leads to the second point.
Am I unlovable ? What’s wrong with me?
This is not necessarily a question solely indicative of someone with low self esteem- it’s a question coming from a real and important place of self reflection. After a failed marriage - or two or three - it is essential that you take some serious time and think about what’s broken here. (Woman at the well). Coming out of a bad marriage requires some internal questioning. This is absolutely best done with a trained clinician who can support you through what may be a painful process of looking deep into your childhood, your early relationships, early examples - or lack thereof- and the messages you were given around love, commitment, your own value, and trust.
First of all, you’re not unlovable if you’ve been divorced or have a list of failed past relationships. There’s nothing wrong with your ability TO be loved, what’s broken is your “chooser.” Your ability to sniff out riff raff, cut through empty promises, identify manipulation or narcissistic tendencies, reject moochers, refuse to be lulled by pseudo protection or lure of financial stability —- that alllllll comes from lessons you learned as a child. Early years tell us a lot about our adult choices. There’s also a question of WHY you wanted to be married in the first place. Was it to meet a need (conscious or subconscious)? Was it to heal a wound? Did you feel like you hit the jackpot with this person- not in a good way- as in- wow - I scored THIS (man/woman)?!! That must mean that I’m (fill in the blank). Was it to not be alone? To Pay your bills? Parent your kids? We have to look deep and see what all led you to accept a situation that likely had early red flags that you ignored as to not lose out on this need meeter. Without this time of true reflection and deep digging — and healing with truth— you’ll simply jump from the frying pan to the fire. Speaking of which …..
Can I remarry? And if so- is there anyone worth marrying LEFT?!
Now- I’m going to assume that the person asking this has done the work of question 2. You shouldn’t even be LOOKING for another partner until you’ve had at least a year to address what’s been broken in your “picker.” I mean it. But now- let’s say you’ve put in the healing time and you’re truly in a healthier space to move forward. As far as the IF question - your heart is a mighty resilient muscle and it has endless love capacity- ask the mom of several kids. You can remarry. The more important question is- should you? And at this juncture, would you say your reason for WHY you want to marry has been purified? Do you know who you want ? (See my blog Christian +Singleness - From woe is me to WOW It’s ME!)
Take the time to become wife or husband material again. Handle your own business and live a life worth joining - such that if the REAL Mr. or Mrs. Right came along or not - you’re still living your best possible life and pursuing your purpose. You serve the God who creates! He hasn’t lost His ability to make more humans! Who is meant for you, if marriage is your desire and God's will, exists just as you exist. The question is are you willing to wait and trust His timing and choice? Are you willing to lovingly and sacrificially raise your kids on your own, using your village as able, and trusting God to fill in any and all gaps? It can be done! (Shameless plug: A Single Parents Guide to Raising Children God’s Way- a book by none other than my mama Winsome Tennant— get a copy - you’ll thank me!) Don't be desperate. That’s what got you in trouble in the first place. Don’t rush God- that’s how you get Ishmael instead of Isaac. Rest in HIS promise of provision (Isaiah 54:5– this applies to men and women!) and know that He has great plans for YOUR life - Jer 29:11- that didn’t say you needed to be married to fulfill His great plans. He said I know the plans I have for YOU- not you AND so and so. Be still and know that He is God. He’s got your back. He’s got your future mapped out.
As far as the question of can you really know who’s right for you - absolutely! They say never go grocery shopping hungry. Why? Because you inevitably end up with things you didn’t plan on buying- and typically not the best or healthier stuff. The same applies to dating and marriage. When you’re “spouse shopping” out of deficit - you will make terrible decisions. But when you step out into the world full and fulfilled - it’s way easier to turn down junk- in human or food form! So basically- if you’re at the point where you can take or leave a spouse- that’s the BEST time to be open. You’ll be picky, you’ll ask the tough questions you used to avoid, you won’t tolerate vacillating, red flags will be more quickly identified and never ever ignored or excused - simply because you’re not desperate. And then there’s the wonderful counselor Himself on the inside ! You have the Holy Spirit who the Bible says leads you into ALL truth. You can ask Him! We have not because we ask not! (If you don’t believe me… see my blog on how my husband and I got together (Christian+ Marriage → Can you really KNOW he/she is the ONE? The thing is- if you ask the Lord, be willing to obey His answer - if He says no- don’t pretend you didn’t hear!
So is there life, love and healing after divorce ?! OF COURSE! Just lean into Jesus, seek professional counsel as you journey forward, decide your life is valuable with or without a partner, and let God handle the rest.
