Can you really KNOW he/she is the ONE? (Also, is it wrong to have a back-up plan?)

It is time to delve a little deeper into the marriage topic area. I know previous blogs have hit on relationships in general, Godly dating, waiting/not waiting, and healthy singleness, but now let’s chat with the married– or soon to be married- folks. There is this circulating discussion around having separate accounts, back- up plans, prenups or other forms of “just in case” efforts in marriage–and where this fits in the Christian world. Does it fit? Is this allowed?

(My husband said to stop handing out my thoughts in the first paragraph because it's “not good blog writing” and doesn't invite anyone to keep reading… so alas… y’all won't be getting my “response” until the end ;)

Let’s start with the assessment area. First of all, married or engaged readers, do you KNOW you are with the right one? Do you know of any scripture references where God paired anyone up or aligned lives but also noted– “but you know, Mary, if Joseph doesn't quite work out, I got my man Curtis already in the background for you! I’ll just whip him up real quick if you have any issues!” Nope. Not so. 

This is not a one size fits all discussion. I am VERY aware as a busy clinician that marriage is messy, and yes, sometimes, as much as we THINK we know, we somehow still end up in relationships that were not God’s best and sometimes the only answer is to safely and swiftly get out of it. But I am not talking about the right or wrongness of divorce, I want to stay in the marriage lane. The place where we are entering a covenant, both eyes wide open, having laid this out before God and sought Godly counsel (*hint*- and I do mean professional counsel, not informal chats with a family friend ) kind of scenario. Do WE get to have contingencies, separate accounts, and other forms of “just in case” protection, because, you know, you just never know!

Ok I can’t do it– this is long enough– NO! No no no. We as believers in Jesus Christ, trusting followers of His word and led by the Holy Spirit who guides us into ALL TRUTH (I am pretty sure that does not exclude the truth of knowing if you are marrying the right person) do NOT get to make back up plans in case our dude turns out to be a dud, or our bae becomes a beast. What GOD has joined together, let no man (or doubt, or unbelief, or insecurity or the world’s standards of love WITH strings and back up plans) put asunder. Let me tell you our story. 

From previous blogs you’ve got a general idea about how Dennis and I met and married- all God, all beautiful for sure. What you probably DON'T know is that I was the one who had the hardest time trusting and really “surrendering all.” Chalk it up to my being the only daughter of a strong single mom– which you know, means my father, the one meant to help cultivate this image of what I should pursue in a man, was totally MIA and did all he could to stay away. You could also say, it was because of my being an “older” bride– 35 and pretty set in my ways and content with my financial situation. And let’s not leave out the fact that when I met Dennis and we started dating- he was NOT my awesome, wise, goal-oriented powerful hunk of a man that he is now- running this business alongside me and showing such leadership and grace. Nah. He was unsure, insecure, lukewarm at best in his faith, not making much money and bonus, not the healthiest guy. I mean, some would say right from here, Sheri, you had absolutely EVERY reason to have some contingencies and back up plans. BUT, watch God. 

Lesson Number 1- YOU CAN KNOW! I don't believe you have to GUESS about if you are marrying the right person. The Lord LOVES marriage, and the partnered life, it reflects His connection and closeness with us and He created this union! He CARES about who we are yoked to and that it's the RIGHT person. And clearly, the God of the universe is not flipping a coin about your mate, He KNOWS who he/she is! Why don't we just ask Him??!?! (SELAH). Why don't we ask the Lord who He has chosen for us and stop trying on all these random folks and HOPE we made the right decision, when we can KNOW. Ask me how I know? Alright, I’ll tell you. 

Remember I just said the amazing husband I have now was NOT the boyfriend I started dating. But, let me be clear– I said the things he was NOT, but I must say what he WAS because I am in no way endorsing that you run around and find someone POLAR opposite of what you are believing God for with some notion that the right one is just under the surface and you have to just wait it out. Let me be clear. For all he was not yet, Dennis WAS respectful, kind, gentle, honored my mother which was paramount to me, came from a great family- pastors for parents and brothers he loved and who loved him, he honored his mama, he was a gentleman, consistent, patient, always on time (!) eager to learn, open to wisdom, VERY smart and resourceful. He KNEW he was underachieving in his life and was destined for more, I just caught him right at that fork in the road where he could keep being mediocre and unsure, or launch into the great unknown in his life. He chose the latter. And I was there to watch. So, I was honest in saying he was not as strong in Christ as I was, not as physically healthy, not as focused, and not as financially solid, but he had EVERY marking of someone heading there and he made active, consistent steps forward towards changing those facts. I have to make sure to drive this point home because despite the things he did not yet have in place, I was not about marrying potential, I was marrying patterns of behavior and follow-through. He showed me early that whatever he didn't yet have, he was going to get, with or without me. I was certainly a timely added bonus and incentive, but I am pleased to say, I know for a fact he didn't turn his life around FOR me, he turned it around WITH me, but for himself and the Lord. 

I prayed and asked God if he was the one. My mom, having met him only once at a random church function a YEAR before we even started dating,  had a dream that she saw us getting married and I shut her down– mostly because of all I said above. He didn't look the part AT ALL. So fast forward to when I started to notice his efforts and consistency, and he started expressing interest, I decided I needed my OWN confirmation. NO way I was going to step out of my 33 years of successful singleness to lose my testimony over a wannabe. God Himself, my only Father, had to TELL ME this was it so I could trust him and move forward. And you know what? HE DID! We have not because we ask not, the Word says. If you don't ask, you won't know. 

I prayed and the Lord gave me a dream - clear as day- complete with the visual metaphors I am used to in our dream conversations. I’ll keep it simple and summarize by saying the dream showed me a scene where I had something broken in my office that needed fixing, Dennis happens by, with no preparation, I turn my back and get distracted with other things, turn around seemingly minutes later and he's totally repaired it BETTER than it was before– but he had NO tools on him! He had just walked by, with no inkling of what I would need, walked in and did exactly what was necessary- and more- and seemingly with no instruments on hand to even make what he did possible. God woke me right up and said plain as day- he doesn't look like he's got what it takes, but he does, and if you can trust me and let ME lead, (ie turn your back and MYOB Sheri!) he will show you what he comes with. 

Sheesh! Won’t He do it?! And now I sit here writing the blogs that Dennis told me to write when I had no such confidence, WE are running a business together that I was too scared to even speak about when God birthed it in my heart and he manages every marketing and business detail– I just get to write and chat with folks! Talk about tools upon tools upon tools I NEVER saw on him! Never! AAND he's an awesome dad to our daughters– when I never got to experience a daddy’s love for a daughter first hand, God lets me experience it through him and our babies as he tenderly and lovingly cares for them! I mean COME ON! 

Lesson number 2-Get counseled! In all of our dating journey, we credit most of our success to the fact that we took time and got professional christian premarital counseling BEFORE we were even engaged. We started dating in October 2018 and by March 2019 we started our first session. We were not about wasting time and letting the googly eyes and butterflies cloud our judgment as by this juncture we both knew we werent dating for fun only, we were dating for a destiny together and we didn't have time to waste. This couple did NOT go easy on us because we came from strong Christian backgrounds and should “know better.” They grilled us, we had homework, we took tests, we had HARD HARD conversations – over and over again– but maaaaaaan was it worth it. We got to enter our marriage at least 2-5 years ahead of most folks as we intentionally did the heavy lifting beforehand and refused to cut corners. EVEN THOUGH God had already confirmed in mine and my mothers hearts that he was the one, that didn't mean that there wasn't still the need for a process. So, another hint, if your guy or gal refuses or poo-poos counsel– I would take that as a blaring red flag. 

Lesson Number 3- Be 100% In or back out! Back up plans. Let’s talk about joint accounts and pre- marital contracts and yours/mine/ours stuff. God does not authorize trash. The Bible says (I paraphrase) that if WE as horrible humans wouldn't give our kids a stone when they ask for bread, how much more will our PERFECT Father God give good gifts to those who ask Him? (Matt. 7:9–11).  Is a spouse you have to have a back-up plan for truly a good gift? Would the LORD lead you (IF you are 100% sure that He did and we just said you CAN know!) into a marriage to someone who's just going to hurt you, leave you bankrupt, cheat or walk out on you? Not if they are truly His to begin with because if you're marrying another believer- which you better be– they are accountable to God for their own actions. They are governed by someone bigger than you- they can't AFFORD to be caught messing with you, God’s property, and abusing their role in your life. God ONLY gives GOOD gifts! Which means, you don't NEED to protect yourself from them and hide away some money just in case or call it some modern society thing of “venmo-ing” your rent portion and keeping everything separate. Really ask yourself- WHY are you not sharing everything? WHY would you need a separate “she money” account or a prenup just in case? In case of what? In case God was WRONG?! I wouldn't want to be that one going in the Lord’s face with that. You only have that fear if in fact you don't trust God’s choice, so then youre back to square one, or that person has given you repeated signs that they CANNOT be trusted– in which case, why are you even marrying them?

Dennis and I were about a month or two away from our wedding when we got together to nail down our financial plan. We had even completed counseling successfully and were just checking in intermittently up the day of! I had decided we would create an account for our shared bills, and I would maintain my separate account, he would keep his, and I would put my portion of the money into the shared account as we had determined our bill totals and the breakdown, and I would primarily live off of my own money /what was left post bills and he would do the same. I mean– that sounded pretty much unified…right?

Dennis asked- why don't we just have one account with everything? Now, I had most of my own debt paid off, I was still making more money than him although he had since moved up into a much better job and that gap was closing, but still! I was like….yea no. You stay over there. Dennis was mad and couldn't understand why we needed all these separate areas when we were a team. I was adamant that I was being a team player- I just needed my money separate…just in case…..

And then it hit me. There IS NO Just in case, Sheri. I am either all in, or all out. Boom. Jesus let me have it. I thought back to this teeny area of worry… I was risking it ALL on this guy. Only boyfriend, 1 and done, forsaking all others, staking my entire Christian reputation on this man, AND I had to merge my account?!

Side step- I am speaking from a confidence in my walk with the Lord and what He was addressing in me. YOU need to sit with the Lord for YOU and your relationship story. Our processes may be different, but if we are serving the same Jesus, the results should be the same– a marriage that is built on the Rock with NO room for disunity or inklings of mistrust. 

Ok -where were we? Yea– I cried, hard, and faced my own fear— and we merged accounts. And it was SCARY for me! But guess what? I DON'T REGRET IT! Bills are being paid, we have worked together to streamline both of our debt cancellation, and I am the banker! He handed the reins of our accounting totally to me– HIS action of returned trust– and as much as it was scary putting my WHOLE check into this one account, as he does, I pray for the Lord’s wisdom and we are making great moves together with NO contingencies needed, more united than ever. 

What would have happened if I stubbornly, and maybe according to some justifiably, kept my money to myself? I don't know. Maybe we would have still found a way to be ok– but at this juncture I don't know any other way but together. And it's been working beautifully, so, if it ain't broke, dont fix it. 

My challenge to you- throw out the prenup. Ditch the “I just want to make sure she/he doesn't want me for my MONEY.” If that's a concern, you're BOTH with the wrong one. If God is truly in it– and you better make sure– then perfect love casts out ALL fear (1 John 4:18)– and a marriage CANNOT stand without love and trust. Fear is the opposite of love. Risk it all, be united, be sure, and prove this culture wrong that says marriages can’t last doing things God’s way. Simply put, if you feel you need back-up, then your only choice is to do exactly that, back up and go to Jesus for clarity. There are no erasers needed in His match-making book because He doesn't make mistakes. You don't have to either. 

Prov. 3:5-6- read it and live it!