Premarital Counseling 101!
I know that this blog is mostly appealing to Christians who may (should) already know the value of premarital counseling. But just in case this somehow lands in your hands and you’ve never heard of this before or question its merits, this one’s for you!
Basically, pre marital counseling is just that- counseling that you pursue before getting married. It’s a specialty within the couples counseling umbrella that targets addressing potential red flags, concerns, deal breakers and avoided themes in the realm of marriage. When it’s done well- it should yield as many couples deciding NOT to get married as it yields happily married couples.
In a society that is FILLED with divorce, endless non-commital co-habitation, affairs, “open” relationships and lesser common celebrations of the glorious 40/50+ years of marriage our parents or grandparents found common, this line of discussion is paramount if we ever want to heal our world through healthy wise, relationships and families!
In several other blogs I’ve addressed the value of healthy singleness, of getting married to God's choice without back up plans, of love even after divorce when it’s absolutely necessary, but I have not taken a moment to look at what should be addressed or known PRIOR to saying “I do.” So for those reading this right on the cusp of this huge decision or maybe you’re single and wondering if this kind of counsel is worth your time when you just wanna get it done already as soon as your Boaz/ Belle finally arrives— please take a moment and consider these suggestions— juuuust in case something might resonate. And PLEASE PLEASE Note reading this blog with your partner or on your own is NOT a replacement for formal premarital counseling - do not skip that step when it’s time! For what it’s worth, my husband and I did premarital counseling before we were engaged! We didn’t want to even get to that milestone and waste either one of our time if we hadn’t already done the work to be sure we wanted forever together! So don’t delay - if you’re in a serious relationship- you’re a candidate!
Sheri’s top 31 (in honor of the Proverbs 31 woman and her man) premarital questions /considerations (for you AND your boo!):
How do they get along with their family and loved ones (not hearsay - what have you directly observed?)
How do they handle conflict or disappointment? (Graciously taking unexpected things in stride or are they explosive /shut down / blaming ?)
What are their free time hobbies? Are you comfortable with their hobbies/ amount of time spent? (Hint- they should have healthy outlets that don’t include you- and so should you - but also, 8 hours of video games every day ….. red flag).
Do they treat you the same in private as they do in public? (Example- are they Nice when others are around but harsh or constantly critical in private?)
Spiritual life - Are you able to regularly pray/read the Word together? Do you both have a consistent place of worship? (And if it’s not the same place ) where will you go as a family once (if) married?
Do they respect your privacy / your relationship privacy (ie have you shared something intimate with them and heard it later repeated elsewhere?)
Do you find yourself tip-toeing around certain topics or constantly shifting to appease them in any area to avoid conflict? Any poor behavior you know you’re excusing just to not rock the boat or lose them? (Hint: if yes- red flag! There should be nothing you can’t openly and respectfully discuss together without fear of a meltdown)
Have they been in therapy before ? And if not, if an issue arose, would they be willing to go? (This is a way to assess any pride or resistance around help seeking when necessary - and if they balk at premarital counseling - it’s a no!)
How’s your sexual purity in the relationship ? Are you both on the same page as far as Biblically righteous (ie sex free and Christ centered) dating ?
Have you ever seen them get very angry? (What does that tend to look like? If there is aggression or do you feel scared of this emotion with them? red flag! Nothing wrong with anger - life happens - it’s about how it’s handled!)
Have you met any of their close friends? What kinds of things do they have to say about him/her? (Ie- any of them warning you to not stay, stories about exes.. anything unsavory or disparaging (that’s not based in jealousy as far as you can tell)?
How are their finances/spending habits - and how would you navigate that part of your lives together ? (Do NOT avoid discussing/assessing finances in detail. It is essential to have a partner that is likeminded in being a good financial steward and is demonstrably responsible).
Are they gainfully employed, able to navigate life independently successfully ? (I’m careful to not shame the up and coming man or woman without a car or not yet in their professional prime- this isn’t about being a CEO- it’s about seeing them as hard workers, with upward mobility momentum and a drive to provide/contribute consistently to the partnership).
How’s their physical health / commitment to personal wellness? ( this is less about them having a six pack and a fridge full of protein shakes and more about their overall lifestyle. Someone who avoids check ups, eats only fast food, wouldn’t last in a 10 minute walk (major illness/ injury aside) and doesn’t seem to care …. Maybe not the one you want to lock your life to. How they care for themselves is how they will care for you - period.)
Are you both able to comfortably enjoy other people’s company without one another or time alone ? - this is about balance and a healthy sense of self and healthy fostered outside relationships. Someone who can ONLY be with you and ONLY wants you with them - red flag.
Do they show you unconditional love and respect? How do they speak to/about you - especially when angry or annoyed? Have a zero tolerance policy for name-calling or foul language. If that’s common already - it will only get worse over time.
How’s their walk with Jesus/ church attendance or involvement on a regular basis - without any prompting from you? (Do they have an active and noticeable independent walk with the Lord or is just a front for you or only if you’re around?)
What’s their sexual history or present (Do NOT be shy about asking about past relationships, pornography use or sexual traumas that could (will!) absolutely impact your marital relationship).
Addictions / mental health issues in their lives Unresolved issues ? Unforgiveness? (This is the therapist in me - KNOW what potential baggage they come with and their efforts towards healing and recovery. Active issues can be a red flag, but unresolved past issues are just as bad).
Any mental health/ addiction in their immediate family? Trend of family physical illnesses? (It is what it is- you are Absolutely marrying them AND their family no matter what they say! Know what’s going on and if there’s anything you should be warned about - especially as you consider having kids down the line. Any generational issues you want to be praying about?)
How do you feel about each other's parents /siblings? Any family beef or traditions you need to know about? (every family has some drama, dynamics, unspoken rules, traditions etc. find out what is most important or potentially what would be expected of you- especially if marrying into a different culture or race).
What’s the plan for children ? (How many, how will they be raised, what’s discipline look like? Who's going to be home with them? Don’t skimp on these questions and don’t ignore tensions around your answers!)
Gender role expectations / household management (this should be evident in your dating interactions or observations of one another in your own spaces … take note! Our being in the 2020+ age means nothing - some expectations are deeply rooted and you better know what’s expected of you as a partner and be ok with it- or not - and make your exit!)
Are they able to make decisions independently of their families ? (Well.. my mom says.. or My dad told me to do it this way…”) it’s fine to have a close and respectful connection with parents and trusted loved ones- as long as ultimately you and your partner have the capacity to be your own team.
Any secrets? Exes, legal problems, recurring poor habits? ( I can’t stress this enough! You’re responsible for what you don’t ask or avoid addressing!)
Is there anything about them you think “you’ll change?” (Let me make this easy for you- take the toughest thing about your partner that either you can’t stand or just don’t know that you’ll ever be able to ignore - and imagine it NEVER changes - do you still want them?)
How’s their drinking / substance use (history or current- and how does that line up to your value system or usage preferences?)
How’s their judgment? Maturity? Can you have serious conversations with them without constant humor /deflecting or shut down? (Listen, I’m all for a partner that’s funny and mood lifting, but if you can’t get through one serious conversation without a ton of maneuvering and avoidance /distraction tactics - that’s a problem).
Are you with them to meet a personal need of your own? Or are they with YOU to meet a need ? (Housing, finances, stability …Are you just being used or truly valued? Trust me you’ll know. Is this transactional or truly mutually beneficial?)
Did you ask the Lord ? And if you have saved, wise and trustworthy parents or a mentor - do they approve? (If you don’t sense heaven's approval and your family is unanimously not supportive - you may want to step back).
Would you let your future (or current) son or daughter marry them? (Simple enough- if you wouldn’t be pleased if one of your children brought your love interest home as their declared significant other - then they’re probably not right for you either).
I hope this gives you both sufficient food for thought! Talk, listen, pray and be honest. Then and only then- may you live happily ever after!
A few of Sheri’s premarital must reads:
The Right One by Frank Martin and Jimmy Evans
5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Together with Christ - A Dating Couple’s Devotional by Chelsea Damon
