From woe is me to WOW It’s ME (How to live a powerfully proud single life as a Christian)

This blog is for my 40yo+ and single crowd. I don’t have much patience for the 23 year olds bemoaning their singleness when they don’t even know who they are yet - so if you’re in that category - I say this lovingly: hush. 

Now- to my target audience. Let’s have some time of honesty. Some of you may have seen the movie 27 Dresses - where the main character has been to a zillion weddings- always the bridesmaid never the bride type thing (but of course she finds love in the end because we can’t have THIS be the ending “and she lived happily ever after - perfectly content alone!”.. don’t get me started).

Ok- let’s do my routine - say the heavy, potentially controversial stuff quick and then unpack:

1. Singleness is not a curse to avoid, punishment from God, or just a waiting room before marriage. It’s not something to be fixed or simply tolerated until you get to some “married ideal.”

2. You are allowed to feel loneliness, disappointment or longing for companionship as a Christian single. 

3. Marriage and parenthood are NOT for everyone and are not the only ways to achieve a “happily ever after” life. Disney lied. 

4. Settling for just anyone just to get married and be able to have sex “the right way” is not God's best and will not yield a blessed relationship. 

5. You can be fulfilled and happy (for real) as a single person. 

   
   

Unpacking time!

I’ll start by sharing my story quickly. I didn’t have my first boyfriend (my husband) until I was 33. Ask everyone who knows me. ZERO relationships until age 33. Now - I also realize that’s not 43 or 53 but we can all agree in THIS society that’s still a bit unusual. I had my share of pity parties, wailing before the Lord, wistful glances at all my dating/married friends and annoyances at yet another wedding invite I knew I’d be attending solo. I had to deal with peers and family questioning what the hold up was, why I didn’t just try online dating (no shade being thrown here- I have no issue with online dating - just wasn’t for me) and suggestions to freeze my eggs - “just in case.” I think that one was my favorite. But one day I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was driving in my car one day and decided I was over it. I was done being frustrated, hopeful, doubtful, wondering - just done. I did two things. 

1. I wrote a detailed list of everything I wanted in a mate, folded it up and put it in a box (suggestion of a peer from my church youth group —if you’re reading this: thank you !) 

   
   

2. I prayed and said to the Lord “ok- my life has been yours since I was 4. Clearly I’m not about to take the reins now.  But do me a favor, if I’m NOT meant to get married then you have to fulfill me and make my life so amazing that I don’t miss it- I don’t want to miss out on anything just because I’m single!” And I promptly started looking at townhouses for myself and dreaming big for my next chapter - forcing myself to realize I could do GREAT all by myself if I wanted to. 

   
   

I’ll have you know Dennis came along not too long after that. BUT- here’s the raw truth and some takeaways (and of course scriptures are coming )

It’s ok to be honest with Jesus. Don’t pretend you love being single if you don’t. Also don’t pretend you’re happy in the makeshift relationship you're in just to be able to SAY you’re in a relationship if you’re truly not. Be REAL with yourself and God. It’s not like He doesn’t know our hearts anyway.

I had to learn - and I stand by this still even as a happily married woman- singleness is beautiful and it’s not an inactive, miserable, wasted time unless that’s what you make it. Before I met Dennis I had done a good amount of traveling, lived alone, finished grad school, moved up nicely in my counseling career, and was about to learn a third language. I was out of debt, in the BEST shape of my life, living peacefully at home with my single mother who trained me very well in putting God first, budgeting, saving, and never compromising. I wasn’t struggling or pitiful in any way. Long story short - I didn’t NEED Dennis. I just wanted him. Can you say that? It’s essential as a single to have taken the time to KNOW and love yourself. Get so awesome that YOU would date YOU. If that’s not where you are - spirit, soul, body, financially, emotionally- get there first. I can’t STAND this phrase “he/she completes me.” That’s TERRIBLE. That means that your wholeness is based on some other fickle human being- you’re half a person without them? NOPE. I’m complete and whole already - a divinely chosen partner is a wonderful COMPLEMENT to you,  but if they’re completing you and you’d be lost without them.. that’s a space only Jesus was meant to fill and you’re setting yourself up for major disappointment. 

Singleness is adventure time, self discovery time, ladder climbing and globe trotting time. Big dreaming, purpose finding, self loving time. If God has designed you for a mate in marriage, they will come equipped to enhance these gifts and amazing features of yours, but they won’t be your all in all! So while it’s NORMAL to feel a longing and desire for marriage with all its bells and whistles, stop and assess, are you desiring it for the right reason? And if God said NO- would you be ok? Do you have enough purpose, joy, fulfillment and peace to continue to live a rich life regardless ? 

Also- the Bible says it’s not good for man to be alone; it didn’t say everyone must get married. (Let me be clear - this is not an endorsement for cohabitating, that's a no-no). I’m talking about God not explicitly saying marriage was the only way one can ensure they weren’t alone. We should all have community, close trusted others to do life with or share certain experiences with,  but marriage is a calling and a gift just like parenting or anything else. It’s not automatic like breathing. Some people have been given a grace and calling so great in magnitude (like a missionary, a traveling nurse, an international crisis volunteer…) a marriage /kids could actually slow them down or deter them from that larger plan (or not, of course, but just an example). That’s where my statement to God came in- Lord fulfill me so much in my career and various pursuits that I feel totally thrilled with my life as it is,  not pining for what won’t be. That is a true reality for many content and thriving singles. I am sure you have heard this before, but you can be alone and not feel lonely. 

Do you know who you are? Are you living up to your best single potential? You are accountable to YOUR gifts– not your gifts and someone else’s. What were YOU put on the planet to do?

Settling-let’s talk about it.

There are plenty of us who get so frustrated with the “waiting room” that we create an Ishmael situation when God promised us Isaac. If this reference doesn’t ring a bell, see Genesis 21. God promised Abraham a son through his (verrrrry old) wife. In the time that passed between God's word and the fulfillment, Sarah decided she wanted to help God along — and offered her maid servant Hagar to have her son for her. Hagar has a son alright - but it’s not the promised child God spoke of, and when God’s promise does ultimately come to pass, major major conflict (that continues today) broke out between these half brothers that grew into rivaling nations. So even though God’s will and word must be fulfilled, when we try and rush Him along in our haste and inability to truly trust and wait, there will always be consequences. (See David and Bathsheba story - 2 Samuel 11). Don’t settle, don’t compromise and don’t rush God! Don’t squint at that guy or lady trying to see what you’re hoping to see — ignoring warning signs, pushing past issues, and hurrying up — for what? Company ? A ring ? A nice dress and a fancy dinner with family and friends (that’s really all a wedding is if it’s not established by God— and you can do that yourself!) Be willing to wait on God's best and trust that He knows the optimal time to bring you into your next chapter- whatever that looks like - and know that a life lived God's way- single or married- always has a happily ever after :)

Bonus Material Therapy Homework! 

I’m a therapist that gives homework occasionally and today is one of those days. If you’re single and reading this blog looking for a confidence boosting way forward, indulge me with this exercise (I’ve done this with MANY clients!)

1. Write your detailed list of your ideal mate- I mean every possible detail in character, personality, where they are spiritually, financially, physically, relationally etc. Remove everything in you that tries to tell you what you desire doesn’t exist. (Write the vision)

   
   

2. Put that list up on your bathroom mirror and ask yourself - item by item- how much of what you’re looking for in a mate do YOU have?! You want a super fit husband - are you ? You want a financially stable and thriving wife — are you ? You want a spouse with healthy family relationships and no drama - are you in that category? (James 1:24)

   
   

3. Take everything you honestly know you are NOT- decide to take a YEAR like Esther before she was led to the King (Esther 2:12) and work on it. If you’re not in shape- get a trainer. If your finances are in shambles - get a financial advisor or check out Dave Ramsey's materials. If you have unforgiveness or unresolved family drama that’s lingering - get a Christian therapist and start handling your mental and emotional business!  

   
   

Why is this important? Because you should BE who you want to HAVE! No one should have to come into your life and rescue you from your drama, debt, and unhealthy habits. No other human should be handed the responsibility of mending your bruised self esteem. That’s YOUR job with God's help and maybe a couple of trusted professionals. Then, as you begin to become the best version of you - FOR YOURSELF- you’ll be recognizable to the RIGHT person. But by then- they won’t be the end all be all, just a lovely addition to your already healthy and happy life! THATS a good start for a healthy relationship!