Healing for Fatherlessness / “Daddy & Mommy Issues” Part 2: For the Kids
- Sheridan Tennant-Straube
- 24 hours ago
- 6 min read
In the last blog we talked about what parents can do to address their insecurities and challenges as single parents trying to do it right. But what about us? The products ? This one’s for you (us!)
To children of single parents:
We turn out ok- But it’s ok to need some therapy! Listen, if you’re reading this you are definitely old enough to know your parents are not perfect. We can acknowledge that they did the best they could with what they knew and the tools they had. But we don't have to underestimate our potential or assume we will walk with a limp because we missed a few items in our childhoods. Despite common statistics about where we fatherless girls end up or the rough path for poorly parented boys– with Jesus, we can be MIGHTY forces on the planet, nothing missing, nothing broken. But maybe we need to work out some of the side effects in some good reflective therapy to make SURE we’re not perpetuating any bad habits, or repeating poor behaviors out of a default setting that needs rewiring. (Prov. 11:14)
It’s ok to miss what you didn't/don’t have, but don’t make excuses for yourself - This kind of ties into point #1– We can be honest and admit that growing up without both parents or whatever our non-traditional scenario was had an impact and left us needing to glean from life some of the things our homes did not provide, BUT, we don't get to build a crutch out of it. We’re not some wounded, broken population that has limitations on our futures because dad was a junkie or mom walked out- that can have its impact as I said, but it is not an excuse to simply underachieve and blame them for why we aren't further along in life. Grieve the loss of their presence, be angry even, but then decide to create the life you were meant to - in spite of the one who chose to miss out. (John 8:36- Jesus makes all the difference- be free indeed!)
It’s natural to seek what you’re missing - but don’t let it make you desperate or compromising. Don't do what mommy and daddy did– use a hurt heart to make permanent decisions.Commonly, girls without their dads tend to crave male attention, or hate men for being such a disappointment and turn to women. Men without their dads tend to look for their male affirmation wherever they can find it, or can become womanizers out of their insecurity. There are plenty of ways our hearts seek out the comfort and void-filling relationships we desired and needed. BUT– it leads to destruction if Jesus hasn't healed and redeemed you. Don't choose out of your deficit, choose a life partner from a place of abundance and confidence in who you are in Christ. And if you’re not there– go back to points 1 and 2!
Trust God, and once identified, show gratitude for the supplemental family God provides- The same way I said to our parents above to be intentional about praying for and seeking out Godly, positive influences and supplemental mentors and family for we single parent home children– we now as the adults from that life– should be grateful for them when they arrive. Don't just bemoan who or what is missing, celebrate who and what God has provided in their place. If we look for evidence of His faithfulness-we will find it. (1 Thess. 5:18)
It’s ok to ask why and get the whole story - for the purpose of learning and growing - Don't rely on assumptions. Again, I told our parents above to be honest. That assumes we are asking the questions! Find out how mom or dad or grandma ended up parenting you alone. Find out what led to those choices, what pain they experienced, what wisdom they arrived at and how they’d do things again differently if they had the chance. Choose to LEARN from their mistakes, not repeat them. Which leads to….
Determine to break the cycle - Glean what was good and throw out what was based on an unhealthy past. Once you know the truth- it will set you free! The Bible says so! Once you see what your parents have been through and where their errors surfaced –determine to do the opposite. We can be honest with ourselves and see what aspects of our child-rearing were based on what little they knew, or their own unhealed areas or limitations. Be clear what is worth bringing into your next chapter, and what habits or mindsets need to be changed and left behind. Be VERY intentional about your decisions to ensure you are headed in the right direction and not bent to repeat your parents’ mistakes. (Prov. 26:11– don’t be the fool referenced here!)
Show your parent grace - when they know better, they do better. And when you get old enough and have the means- bless them. I suppose I could get healthy arguments here from those who were parented by an abusive, maybe substance abusing single parent. Understandably. This level of grace and respect comes from a DEEP well within that only Jesus Himself can fill. This is supernatural level stuff here. But yes, as you are able, remember that your parent is also just a wounded imperfect human. They did the best they could with what they had and knew. Pray for the strength to love them -even if it has to be from a safe distance if they are still living a harmful lifestyle. For those who were blessed with parents that treated them well, you have that much more of a responsibility to honor them in their old age, bless them and show your appreciation for their sacrificial love and hard work raising you on their own. Remember, no one (with sense) chooses to enter life raising kids alone knowing the struggle involved. Show them grace.
Pursue Jesus for yourself - no such thing as vicarious salvation. This really should have been number 1- but yes, you need your own relationship with Jesus. Don't rely on grandpa or dad or whoever was in your life. God is not to blame for your situation, human error is, so keeping Him at arms length or depending on the religious efforts of your parent will NOT suffice. Draw near to Him and feel safe to let Him know how you feel about your family situation– He is not opposed to hearing your heart and knowing what hurts and disappoints you. And He is amazing at restoring what has been eaten, wasted and stolen– ask me how I know! (Joel 2:25-26)
Look for ways God can and will use your story- I truly feel it is my best insult to the destruction-intending enemy every time I can share with a client my understanding of their experience growing up without both parents. Using this as a way to help others heal, forgive, find peace and watch some clients go on to have beautiful marriages and change their self- narrative- wow. It is so awesome and such a blessing to see what I experienced as a disappointment as a kid, turn into something so amazing in my career. Don’t use your messy, confusing, challenging childhood as a crutch, use it as a platform. Launch yourself out into the deep and become an intentional success to the Glory of God and the betterment of society. (Rom. 8:28)
Forgive them - To my wounded warriors: let them go. Forgive your mom or dad or uncle..whoever it was, that tried to destroy your sense of well-being, who left you unanchored, who abandoned you to their addictions. Forgive does not mean, if they're alive, let them move into your house or have access to your heart if they remain unhealed and unsafe people, but it does mean to acknowledge the hurt they caused, be angry about it, call it out, and then release them. Decide that their lack of presence, ability, or responsibility to you no longer gets to define how you live or see yourself. As with all such emotional heavy lifting, if just the thought of that gives you the chills and brings bitter tears– don't do it alone– get into a trusted therapist’s office and embrace professional help in moving forward (Matt. 18:21-22)
I am sure that if I were to recruit the thoughts of other folks who grew up without both parents or had a less than ideal childhood of some sort they would have another 100 suggestions on ways to keep living your best life and not letting the past define you, but refine you. Alas, I don't have that kind of interviewing time and no social media survey platform to hop on real quick. But I sure hope these few nuggets from my own treasure chest are enough to jumpstart any emotional stagnance, uplift anyone that was struggling to find purpose in their parental disappointment, and to encourage and applaud those going it alone, with Jesus at the forefront, seeing that any situation, where the Lord is invited, may still come with some consequences – but there can still be a beautiful happy ending.
**And for those who didn't know, my mom was led by the Lord to chronicle our story into a book entitled: “A Single Parent’s Guide to Raising Children God’s Way”, by Winsome Tennant. Be sure to get your copy and be inspired!
