Good GOD Grief: Stages of Grief- Jesus Style

“I will turn their sad memories into gladness. I will give them joy after all their trouble and will be their comfort.” ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭31‬:‭13‬ ‭TPT‬‬

In graduate school I learned about the Stages of Grief, or the process through which a person who has experienced great loss will cycle through. The elements are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. You can also just Google this, but I digress. 

Basically, after a painful loss (of a loved one, home, opportunity etc…) you start off saying:

• “No way! No no no- he’s not dead. This can’t be true. My daughter can’t be gone!” then…

• Rage and anger at the fact that you have been robbed of this precious life/job/home etc. then…

• What ifs...what if I had driven them to school? What if I had left 10 minutes later? What if I had made her go to the doctor sooner? Then…

• Deep deep sadness. Crying, irritability, isolating, deep pain to your toes. Feeling stuck in the sorrow…then finally..

• The deep breath and release. Acceptance of what has happened and increased ability to see your way clear to life lived in their absence with their memory.

This process is not linear, and clearly is not the “rule” of grief- we are all different and there are many new and differing theories. But, it is a basic template that many use to essentially give people permission to have a wide range of challenging emotions as they reconcile their loss. 

Let’s take a look at what the Bible says about grief:

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.”‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭4‬:‭13‬-‭14‬ ‭NIV‬‬ (emphasis mine).

What I always focus on with clients in grief counseling with me regarding this scripture is that it is NOT saying that we do not grieve as believers- we absolutely do cry for our loved ones that pass away or for other forms of painful loss. The difference is, we know ultimately that God is still good, we continue to have hope and purpose, and rest in knowing our departed ones are with the Lord if they gave their hearts to Him. This takes the sting out of grief in a way those without the hope of Jesus don’t experience. 

I recently heard a guest speaker, Pastor Diego Mesa, at our church expand on this concept. He focused on how to do good when feeling bad- by looking at the story of Jesus’ response after He heard about the horrific beheading of  his beloved  cousin, John the Baptist. In all my years of reading the Bible, especially these portions of scripture, somehow I never really caught the powerful juxtaposition of this soul rocking news and the miracle of feeding the 5000+. 

Side note- go to church and read your Bibles! You’d be amazed at what you discover!

To really make this come alive, read with me (feel free to grab your Bible)!

Matthew‬ ‭14‬:‭6‬-‭24‬, ‭26‬-‭36‬ ‭NIV‬‬ (all emphasis mine).

“On Herod’s birthday the daughter of Herodias danced for the guests and pleased Herod so much that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she asked. Prompted by her mother, she said, “Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist.” The king was distressed, but because of his oaths and his dinner guests, he ordered that her request be granted and had John beheaded in the prison. His head was brought in on a platter and given to the girl, who carried it to her mother. John’s disciples came and took his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jesus. 

When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.” Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.” “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. “Bring them here to me,” he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children. 

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭14‬:6-24 NIV‬‬ (all emphasis mine).

Man, this is rich! If we were to dissect this and conclude a Biblical stages of grief I would propose the following:

1. Grieve! Take the time to step away from your busy life and allow for the emotions to surface and be processed. Jesus is Jesus- it doesn’t say He took a week or even a full 24 hours - He’s God- but as humans, let’s simply take that example: take time to get alone, cry and process. 

2. Have your trusted safe crew around you.  Jesus put His disciples to work- to find food and distribute it.  Permanent isolation is not the solution. You need to delegate, rework some things, lean into your supports to help carry the load of this moment. 

3. Gratitude turns little into much, even in grief. This is a tall order for a grieving heart- but we must follow Jesus. He didn’t have enough food in reality - 5 loaves and 2 fish does NOT feed thousands by any stretch of the imagination. Similarly - a depleted broken heart isn't typically the ingredient for superhero actions in the real world- but when your little is handed to the Lord, seasoned with gratitude, somehow what little you have in the tank as you recover becomes much. Find things to give thanks for and battle bitterness and anger. “Thank you Jesus, my loved one is with you.” “Thank you Jesus that your grace is sufficient.” “Thank you Jesus that You comfort the brokenhearted.” “Thank you Jesus that by Your stripes I am healed and this disease will leave my body.” “Thank you Jesus for my loving family that surrounds me at this time.” “Thank you Jesus that Your strength is made perfect in my weakness.” Speak the Word and give thanks. 

4. Ask the Lord to help you maintain compassion in your heart despite the hurt that is there as well. Remember that God specializes in bringing purpose from pain. Your grief wasn’t designed to become a new habitation - it is very much a stopover and transition to a new place in life where your purpose remains needed- now more than ever. You still have something to give.

5. Recognize the opportunity for growth and abundance in what feels like a famine. The disciples I’m sure did not expect 2 fish and 5 loaves to be enough to feed themselves, let alone the 5000+ crowd- but to also yield LEFTOVERS?! Mind blowing. You won’t immediately see the major ripple effects your transition through this loss or painful experience will yield. But go ahead and make a demand of the Lord, “If you’re going to allow my heart to be broken, in my obedience to remain surrendered to your divine use, may the pieces be multiplied and turn into an expanded purpose, unexpected beauty, healing for others and an impact that far exceeds what was possible had I NOT gone through this.” Only Jesus- ONLY Jesus- can make beauty from ashes- but also only if we let Him.

So what’s the new heavenly formula in a nutshell? 

• Grieve - for real. Don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. Cry and give yourself time to be alone with the Lord and your honest emotions.

  
  

• While it’s valuable to get time to be alone- don't stay alone - Keep your trusted ones close and put them to work! Allow them to share in this journey with you and bring their healing gifts to your moment.  

  
  

• In all your legitimate sadness, don’t forget to look for silver linings and express gratitude. 

  
  

• Don’t lose your ability to show compassion- you are still someone the Lord uniquely has need of. Rest assured that He can still use you as you heal- and will turn your sorrow into joy and an even greater purpose. 

  
  

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the Lord has anointed and commissioned me To bring good news to the humble and afflicted; He has sent me to bind up [the wounds of] the brokenhearted, To proclaim release [from confinement and condemnation] to the [physical and spiritual] captives And freedom to prisoners, [Rom 10:15] To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord, And the day of vengeance and retribution of our God, To comfort all who mourn, [Matt 11:2-6; Luke 4:18, 19; 7:22] To grant to those who mourn in Zion the following: To give them a turban instead of dust [on their heads, a sign of mourning], The oil of joy instead of mourning, The garment [expressive] of praise instead of a disheartened spirit. So they will be called the trees of righteousness [strong and magnificent, distinguished for integrity, justice, and right standing with God], The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭AMP‬‬ (Emphasis mine)