Christian + Dating & Courtship PART 2: How far is too far ?? (An honest discussion about sexual boundaries and purity in a Christian dating relationship)

God woke me up at what I believe is His common chatting hour of 3am and told me to write this out. I fussed in my head a bit (remember as I’ve mentioned in a few of these blogs I’m nearly 40 with 2 under 2 … sleep is soooo precious!) and silently asked … Wait, oh you mean now? (*sigh*) yessir. 

So here we go folks - if it matters to God and will keep His people free of error, it’s going into writing. He has a script for how He wants those who actively represent Him to date and if you truly want to honor Him and avoid subtle snares - read on!

Transparency is the name of the game here. I talked to several friends and couples before and during my dating years to glean perspectives on boundaries and the dos and don'ts in Godly dating. It was a little disheartening the mixed bag of responses I got on a topic that required SUCH delicate clarity for spiritual and marital safety. So I’m here to boldly declare there is A WAY to date as God intended and I challenge any truly Godly couple to walk this path if you want the blessing of God on your dating and marriage. 

We should probably just start there- as Christians, we don’t date because it’s the thing to do, for company, for looks, for society’s ritual or family pressure. We don’t even, believe it or not, date for pleasure! We date for MARRIAGE. Dating was meant to be a precursor for MARRIAGE,  not some messy emotional roller coaster and sexual experiment rite of passage. Period. 

Dating is to reveal if the person is aligned with your future self, a strong potential co parent with you if babies are in your future, a lover of Jesus and a worthy covering to you women or helpmate to you men. 

Alright, let’s cut to the chase and talk about sex, shall we?? 

Do NOT think your holy, church- attending, choir -singing and food pantry volunteering self will not fall RIGHT into bed with your partner if given the opportunity. No one, I mean NO ONE is immune to the weakening fiery passions of lust and sexual drive when it is awakened and you’re with someone you want. So how can you avoid tarnishing your witness and make it to the finish line with your virginity or renewed Godly intentions intact? STAY AWAY FROM WHAT WILL MAKE YOU COMPROMISE. 

I mean it. If it can lead to more than you can resist, it’s just a hard no. 

So- let me be clear and give some concrete examples:

• Careful with kissing on the lips

• Careful with being in the car at night too long alone

• No touching under the clothes

• Careful what time of day you’re getting into conversations (let’s be honest.. Nothing holy is happening on that phone after midnight…or in my case not even 10pm!)

• AVOID being alone in bedrooms (or any room) with doors closed

• 
  

Ps- Godly dating does NOT include exclusive vacations together. I can hear the comments - “Sheri we’re on a MISSIONS trip together!!” If it involves time for being alone and passions to flare with no accountability and others around — it’s a no. Save it for your honeymoon. 

For those who are just determined to toe the line- God is not impressed that you avoided ACTUAL intercourse but creatively found other ways to arouse each other or provide alternative sexual acts (please don’t make me give examples). Long story short - if you need to have this broken down to this level of detail, you’ve gone too far. And quite frankly, if you really really just need and want to have sex, admit it, and stop finding ways to make excuses and blur the line. But then be willing to step out of the category of dating God's way for God's blessing and join the ranks of those who are living by their flesh and take those results as a consequence.

So often this comes down to who has the loudest voice, so let's do the comparison:

The world says: You can’t really know someone is right for you unless you have sex or live with them first. 

The WORD says: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

God's judgment > your fleeting pleasure needs. You can absolutely form a powerful deep bond with someone without sex and know they’re right for you (ask me how I know!) Anyone who says that’s not possible simply has never known how to rely on God for revealing someone’s true intentions — and/or just wants to have sex. 

The world says: you’ll never find a guy/girl that’s still a virgin or actively trying to save themselves for marriage now that they know better. At your age there’s none left with that mindset. Why be so picky? 

The WORD says: “So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭21‬-‭22‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Moral of this creation story: we still serve the God who CREATES! Who you are meant for exists and if he/she doesn’t- then I believe God can just go ahead and make them! He KNOWS who and what you need so don’t settle for just anyone out of some scarcity mindset or social pressure. 

The world says:  Purity /virginity/ waiting is overrated, old school, even sexually repressive and represents some misogynistic mindset. 

The WORD says:  “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;”.   ‭‭                  

1 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭18‬-‭19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

-And-

Proverbs 14:22 TPT-“Haven’t you noticed how evil schemers always wander astray? But kindness and truth come to those who make plans to be pure in all their ways.” (Emphasis mine).

Again- you’ll argue God's truth if you just wanna do what you wanna do .. but let’s see it in plain writing. God says sexual sin is a sin against your OWN body - as in to give in to lust and sexual urges outside of His design is an abuse to self-regardless of gender. It’s self harmful - period. Blessing comes to those who are intentional, who make plans to protect their purity in how many ways? Some? The convenient non biological ways only? You read it- “make plans to to be pure in ALL their ways.”

I’ve talked to countless men AND women who have trusted me enough to be honest — any sexual encounters outside of true commitment (which is really only true in marriage) they regretted. They knew the person wasn’t right for them but they went along anyway because … why not? But they could all admit, something deep down said this wasn’t right or this wasn’t the one. These were NOT all Christian people by the way- so it wasn’t from a sense of holy conviction, it was just their “gut.” So God's truth is auto embedded - we just call it something different until we know better.  If we get really honest with ourselves we can admit sex without the true grace and blessing of God is cheap, and doesn’t leave you with some glowing feeling afterwards. Just fleeting pleasure with lasting side effects. You must PLAN to remain PURE. 

Woke Christians will say -“hey this is what the grace and forgiveness of God is for! He gave us hormones! He knows it’s a struggle. It’s fine to mess around, God will forgive you.”

The WORD says:  “What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭6‬:‭15‬-‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

In other words ,the grace of God is not permission to sin, it is freedom FROM the impulse of sin! Don’t insult Jesus’ death on the cross by dabbling with sin and experimenting with His life-blood expensive forgiveness. 

YOU will say- “But I know he /she is the one — what’s the difference if we just have sex (or insert other sex act) now? We’re engaged! We’re weeks away from the wedding. Does it really matter now?”

Refer back to the Hebrews scripture. We are commanded to keep the “marriage” bed undefiled and pure- didn’t say anything about “engagement bed” or “almost married” bed. The MARRIAGE bed is to be treated as sacred and any act committed sexually prior to God's blessing is inviting unwanted consequences. 

Date according to the results you want and for goodness sake be honest with yourself. I know there are people who would boldly say they didn’t adhere to any of this and they have the best marriage ever so what was the point of my rant? Here’s the thing, when God gives stipulations or guidelines around something and backs it up with a promise of blessing for obeying Him - I’m not about to risk missing out on that. Yes, you may think you have it good having taken alternative routes, but you also have no idea what you forfeited - and you’ll never know. You also don’t know what unnecessary problems you unknowingly invited that you chalk up to the “highs and lows” of married life and meanwhile God says — nope; that didn’t have to be in your story, but you invited it through your disobedience. 

How this template for dating God's way lands in your heart is directly correlated to how you perceive your Heavenly Father: is He loving and kind in His boundaries and blessings for obedience or is He restraining, controlling and a killjoy? If you see God as truly loving and protective in His directives, then as much as it may (will) be a challenge at times to not push the envelope with your dreamy significant other (or any other area where your obedience is being challenged), you’ll ultimately defer to the “obedience is better than sacrifice” life and trust His heart for you. If you don’t truly believe or know God wants your ultimate best, then anything that even smells like restrictions you’re going to balk at — and likely disobey. 

At the end of the day - God is only good. He knows for real what’s best for us and He wants us thriving and successful on this earth in every area— including our sex lives y’all! He wants that undefiled marriage bed steamy and dreamy like it should be - He MADE sex! He also knows deep down what premature intimacies and pushed boundaries can yield - and He desires that we avoid anything that could taint His beautiful picture for us and leave us empty and with regret. Submit your minds, souls, spirits, and bodies afresh to Him and let Him lead your dating life. You will absolutely NEVER regret that decision!