Therapy was great- now what do I tell my_________ ? (Life after therapy: How to integrate these new insights and engage with your family as the new you!)

It can be one of the hardest things to come into therapy and do months, if not years, of hard heart work on those deep wounds, and then realize you now have cleaning up to do with those loved ones who’ve had to deal with the unhealed you and probably have a scar or two from it. 

Taking ownership for what the hurt you said and did is very important. In this way you are additionally freeing yourself and bringing the process full circle. You have to give those you love and who loved you through your mess an opportunity to heal as well and offer forgiveness and acceptance. 

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.“ ‭‭James‬ ‭5‬:‭16‬ ‭NIV‬‬

That confession and honesty is key to your healing - there’s no avoiding that often painful, humbling step in your process. 

But don’t let that confession or asking of forgiveness make you presumptuous. You’ll need to be patient with your significant others. They’ve accommodated their lives around the former you - they may actually not even fully enjoy this new version. I often warn my clients: work with me if you dare. Things are often worse before they’re better and working towards becoming this new healthier, more assertive, honest, boundaried self may be a relief to some but downright frustrating to others who relied on or adjusted to that former you. It’s important to have done the work around accepting that stepping into this whole self will be a joy to you in many ways but also come with a cost. 

Admitting to closeted adultery or pornography, or giving up some other addiction, or taking on a more confident and assertive position with your manipulative family - no these will not be easy conversations or changes, but it is so worth it to feel truly free.  It’s amazing to live the life God intended without limits or fear.

A word to the abuse survivors- this newfound freedom post trauma work in therapy may lead you to want to address the abuser- if they’re still around. My cautionary statement to my clients is always to pursue that healing moment IF that person is safe to interact with. Not all situations require or would be wise or safe to involve a head on interaction. If the person that hurt you is still actively a mess - then you can forgive them sincerely from a distance and continue to live in emotional freedom while protecting yourself from their toxicity. This is also my recommendation for clients whose abuser is already deceased. They can write their expressions out in a letter and release it - burn it, shred it, read it in therapy, share it with a trusted loved one who has journeyed with them in the healing process — and then decide if they want to have some ceremonial release or just put it away. There are many many unique ways to let the past go. All that matters is that you feel truly free in the end. 

So- as you embark on this incredible journey called therapy, be open to the changes, the varied results, the disclosures, honesty, and shifts in relationship dynamics. It’s all a healthy part of the process of finding your true self again. 

So what do you tell your family? The truth. Tell the truth and set yourself free, and leave the consequences to God.