I prayed and he/she died anyway...If God is so good why do bad things happen ? (An honest discussion about the Godly, sometimes difficult, response to death and dying.)

I’m going to let my therapist self answer first. Grief is real and Christians are not exempt from the pain of loss or the associated stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining depression, acceptance) or in other schools of thought (shock denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, acceptance). We can know the Word all day but when your mom, child, best friend, spouse or even beloved pet of many years dies- it alters you forever and it is a real wound that one does not wish or pray away. It must be felt in all its forms and more often than not processed with a helpful trained professional or in a group setting for additional support. So whatever your loss is as you read this- I’m so sorry. 

The first part of the title - I prayed and (insert name) died anyway is for my readers that are believers. The part 2- how does a good God let bad things happen- I guess could be for believers too, but I’m aiming that to those who aren’t quite sure what to think of our God. 

Part 1- We pray over the sick because God's word instructs us to. We pray in faith specifically, applying the Word of God, and yes, we should expect that what we pray will happen. So the first thing we need to cross check in this reflection space is - did you really believe when you prayed that God could change that otherwise impossible situation or were you just praying out of routine? 

Next, were you sure of the ill individual’s desired outcome? This is specifically for adults that have reached the age of making a decision for Christ, I’m not thinking of babies or children here. Oftentimes we’re believing God for Aunty Sue to be healed of cancer and assume that’s also her desire when she’s going to God privately saying “Lord I’m ready to go.” So when we pray- are we praying in true faith AND in accordance with the other person's faith or desire ? Next, we live in a gross awful world with sin and sickness rampant. Was the individual doing their part to protect their well-being/ listening to their bodies ? This is obviously not the end all be all but it certainly matters. Did Uncle Joe - despite your sincere prayers - open the door to his illness from years of smoking, drinking, poor diet, no exercise and refusing all doctors visits ? Human bodies can only take so much. 

And finally - and our least favorite- do we really really believe in and trust in the sovereignty of God in that sometimes the way He answers our prayers is by receiving someone to Himself because He sees something greater on the other side ? Can we trust that only He knows how long anyone was going to be on the planet and if their mission was accomplished at 10, 27 , 46 or 102, then He knows best?  I heard it said in a sermon once that if you were only ever going to live to be 17 then at 10 you’re old, but if you were destined to live to 100 then 70 is young! We’re human - we want our comforts and we want our closest most valuable people with us for as long as possible so we, of course, assume anything that could separate them from us is a problem we must fix— for ourselves as much as for them.

I will never forget one day I was out for a walk and usually on those times I try to pray as I go since quiet time for me is hard to find. I was going through my usual prayer points and began to lift up a family friend that was ill with ALS. I started praying for her healing and restoration and suddenly I heard the spirit of God say “why?” And I said … “um.. I beg your pardon, Lord? Why what?” He responded “why do you want me to heal her?”

Color me shocked and flummoxed. I recall ultimately saying something to the effect of “… well I mean, she’s sick - you heal … is there more ? I don’t want her daughter to be without her mom, she’s in pain, her family will be sad …” and on and on I went. And God responded, “What if the answer is no? You’re more concerned about the human inconveniences associated with losing a loved one and less about my divine will. Change how you pray and check your motives.” I was really struggling with this exchange and quite frankly didn’t know what to make of it. I finally responded with “well, you’re God and I am not - let your will be done.” She ultimately passed not long after that.

Now, that moment was not about God saying He’s just sitting in heaven doing some holy version of rock paper scissors about whether or not people die or get healed. He already knows the end from the beginning. What He was assessing with me was HOW I was praying and what my motive was tied to. The Bible says ”This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.“‭‭1 John‬ ‭5‬:‭14‬-‭15‬ ‭NIV‬‬.

Was I praying for His will or my preference? Ideally those things are in alignment, but was I taking the time to be sure — and did I even know what this family friend had decided ? And how do I know His will concerning this life ? I’d have to know His Word. I was praying what I preferred or just assumed was the desired outcome by all, but I wasn’t asking God what He ultimately wanted or needed out of this situation- what would maximize His glory and be in accordance with His Word. There was a lesson I needed to learn there. Am I praying God's Word in faith or am I praying for my preference out of fear? That subtle cross check makes a big difference. And then- am I willing to then trust the only- good nature of my God that regardless of the outcome, believe that He is sovereign and His will supersedes mine? Tough questions. 

Now-on to my folks that are simply courting Jesus or being curious about Him and have strong feelings about this “good God” against the nasty landscape of the human condition. God is not Santa (although last I checked even Santa hands out coal to the “naughty ones”). He is not the lottery, a good luck charm, a manipulatable being you can just butter up with “good” behavior. Yes, He is all powerful but He gave us our own human will. So we don’t have to trust or obey Him. We get to make decisions that, yes, could ultimately end up harming ourselves or someone else. We live in a fallen messy world where car accidents, house fires, abuse and cancer exist. To wipe out all the evil would mean to wipe out most human beings through which the evil is enacted. We have our little human dominion here and God works His greatness through those who have given Him access to their lives. None of us are good! When we say “why did that happen to her, she's such a good, nice person,” good according to what standard? Yours? Mine? That’s subjective. Also- you didn’t write the book on you— or anyone else for that matter. Oftentimes some of our most painful and unwanted experiences bring about the most necessary changes in our hearts/ minds and attitudes and force growth, wisdom and compassion to the surface. Glory can be gained from miraculous moments and glory can be gained from our wounds. It all depends on who you’ve decided God is: only Good and all-knowing, or just like other humans playing some cruel Russian roulette with our lives. 

There is purpose in everything. If you haven’t read it before, or maybe not in a while — open up your Bible to the book of Job, or read the story of Joseph in Genesis (start in chapter 37). Talk about “bad things happening to good people.” But in the end, God shows His true goodness and joy came after the pain of loss. It’s all about what you believe about God and how true is your trust.